What Do You (Really) Want To Say?

Ever had those moments where you just need to speak your mind? It builds like a slow burning fire, until finally you can’t stand it anymore and you let her rip. Yeah, me neither.

Kidding. I get those moments a lot. I read something, hear something, see something that immediately kicks my heart-rate into high gear. But, much as I want to, more often than not, I don’t speak. I don’t say what I really want to because…well…honestly…I don’t know why. Perhaps I’m afraid of the repercussions if I do. Perhaps I know that what I really want to say won’t be accepted or even heard. Perhaps I know that what’s irking me really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. Or, perhaps, I’m just afraid.

Fear is one of the biggest obstacles standing in the way of healthy communication.

Right? Think about it. How many times have you walked away from a conversation with some regret? How many times have you come ‘this close’ to saying what you really need to, but don’t? I’m not one to confront, I avoid confrontation like the plague. It makes me all churned up inside. Maybe that’s just my personality. Maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about what other people think. But I do.

So it’s kind of funny that in my writing, I don’t really give much thought to having my characters speak their mind. Or maybe it’s not funny. Maybe this is my way of saying what I really want to say.

Over the last year, I’ve struggled with figuring out the kind of writer I want to be. And then I realized it’s not a matter of ‘wanting to be’. I already am that writer.

I don’t agonize over every word. I don’t worry about offending anyone, but neither do I intentionally set out to do so. I’ve been around long enough to know that no matter how hard you try, somebody out there is going to find something to pick on and get their knickers in a twist over. It happens. I’m not perfect and neither are my characters. As I’ve said before, (in this blog post)  I won’t pretty it up and put a bow on it. Sure, there’s a market for those Candyland type books, but I don’t read them and I don’t want to write them.

I write the kind of books I want to read. It’s that simple.

I live a real life complete with struggles and heartbreak and lots of love and laughter in between. I bet you do too. And sometimes life gets so hard you don’t know what to do with it. You don’t know where to find hope. But somehow, somewhere along the journey, you do. You catch a glimpse of it and you reach out and hold tight with everything you’ve got. And one day, you wake up, rub the grit from your eyes and find yourself standing in the middle of a miracle.

In this ever-changing world, we need a constant. A touchstone. Something solid that we know we can rely on, something that we know we’d be utterly bereft without. For me, that’s God. My faith. It may be for you as well, or it may be your spouse, your dog, your cat or your Mom. When I set out to tell a story, I want that book to be a touchstone. I want my readers to see my name on the cover and know exactly what they’re going to get. I want them to know that somewhere in those pages, they’re going to find hope.

I don’t want to disappoint. But I will remain true to myself and the words I believe God gives me. I write from the heart. It’s not always pretty. People fail. They sin. They might say crap. And maybe some other stuff. And yes, those same people might even be Christians. If that offends you, then you probably don’t want to read my books. But if you believe that we’re all put on this earth for a purpose, we’re all on a journey of faith in some way shape or form, all searching for hope, for truth, then you might find that my words resonate with you.

I may not always be great at expressing myself in person, but I will always strive to be honest. And I will always write the truth, with integrity and transparency. And, in my writing at least, I will say what I really want to say.

Your thoughts? 

Bittersweet Goodbyes

We lost Dad on April 22nd. April 2013 will go down as a month we never want to repeat. I could never have imagined losing my father-in-law just a month shy of my daughter’s wedding. Never. Yet, here we are. I didn’t know if I would write about this. I didn’t know whether I could. But I’ve realized we need to share our memories of a great man, a wonderful father, grandfather and great-grandfather.

Dad was a soft-spoken man, his deep, caring voice was capable of softening the hardest of hearts. He loved to sing and he was good at it. He loved reading, painting, needlepoint and he played a mean game of Scrabble. But most of all he loved his family and the Lord. My husband says Dad was the best preacher on earth. His sermons were always to the point, succinct and sincere. He made you think, made you re-examine life and the way you live it. I always walked away from his Sunday morning services with a lot to chew on for the week. I was young when I first heard him preach, definitely not living my life to the fullest. I figure he knew that. And he loved me anyway. Loved me through some pretty hard things too. Like my Mom having a stroke after a heart-valve replacement. I went to stay with my then boyfriend’s parents because I knew they would give me what I needed. Unconditional love and time to grieve.

He was the kind of man, who, after marrying us, drew me into a hug and whispered, “Welcome, daughter.” He was the kind of man who, even as he lay in the hospital during his final days, was thinking of others and wanted to ensure we all knew certain things. Like the fact that he’d already written the vows he was going to speak at our daughter’s wedding. He took care of others before taking care of himself. Perhaps that was his one flaw. He never wanted to be a bother to anyone. After several back surgeries over the years, he lived in constant pain. I rarely heard him complain.

Dad was the kind of man who loved his life and lived it to the full. He didn’t let his limitations get in the way of doing things. He set a great example of faith, trust and perseverance through trial – an example we will all be hard pressed to follow. He had a great sense of humor and he loved to tell stories. I remember fondly how he’d sit out on our back porch, a kid on each knee, and spin great tales about Honey Bears and Turtles – the stories were fun but they always carried a lesson too. He loved to swim, and during his time in Bermuda, you could find him floating around Harrington Sound for hours on end. He loved to eat too, and used to joke that he had a hollow leg. If you ever saw him at a buffet, you’d believe it!

He leaves behind so many memories, so many lessons learned from him, so many reminders of how he loved each one of us. His legacy is rich, faith-filled and ripe with the assurance that he knew exactly where he was going as he drew his final breath. He was at peace. And I know he’d want us to be too.

But it’s hard to say goodbye to someone you love. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. It doesn’t get easier. Our family dynamics have changed, but our roots remain strong. We can build on the love Dad left behind, draw strength from it, and look forward to the future with the conviction that one day we will be together again. We must move on, but life will always look a little different.

A week ago we stood graveside, held tight to the memories, and said our final goodbyes. He is loved, missed and will never be forgotten.

See you on the other side, Dad.

Winner of the Kindle Fire Giveaway!

I’m pleased to announce that the winner of the draw for the Kindle Fire is -

Susan from Shakopee, Minnesota!!

Congratulations, Susan, I hope you enjoy! I have emailed you with further details.

Thank you all for being a part of my Litfuse Campaign and enjoying Hidden in the Heart.

Hairpin Turns And Heartbreak

I need to write. I need to write but I don’t have the words. I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling right now, how broken my heart is, this ache inside.

We are forty days out from my daughter’s wedding. Forty days. My father-in-law, a retired pastor who was planning to marry Sarah and Randy, now lies in the ICU after suffering a massive heart attack on April 2nd. I will not underestimate the power of God, but the prognosis is not good. Chances are, he may not be with us on May 25th.

How do I deal with this? How do I comfort my husband and my kids and my relatives who are all reeling from this devastating turn of events? My own heart is heavy with emotion. I have questions. I’m angry. We’re supposed to be joyfully anticipating a wedding, yet here we are in tears.  I want to know why. I want it to not have happened. I understand that I am allowed to feel this way. I don’t believe God will smite me for questioning Him, but I’m not sure He’s going to give me any answers either. But, as in all things, He does give me a choice. I can choose to let this anger and bitterness fester. I can choose to wallow in my grief over the pain that my family is feeling. Or I can choose to walk through it in faith. I can choose to trust that even in this, God knows what is best. He has a plan, and it is good.

But this is so, so hard.

So hard to say goodbye to someone you love, knowing that you probably won’t see them again this side of eternity. As I left the hospital on Saturday and flew home Sunday, I couldn’t believe that this would be the case. Do I believe in miracles? Yes. But at this point, I don’t even know what to pray for. If you have ever watched a loved one suffer, you will understand my turmoil. I have been here before. When I lost my mom, in those final awful days, all I could pray was, “Lord, take her.” And then he did. This time it’s a little harder to let go. Sometimes it’s impossible to believe this is even happening. But it is and we are going to have to face whatever comes next with grace, conviction and faith that God works together for good, in all things. Oh, Lord give me the strength to do that. Because right now, I’m not feeling it.

To top it all off, I came home yesterday to hear about the bombings at the Boston marathon. My mind immediately flew to my son. Where was he? Was he there? Was he hurt? It’s almost too much to take. Thankfully, Chris is fine. He and his girlfriend were in The Prudential Center heading to watch the end of the race when the bombs went off.

A few blocks away. Close.

Too close.

I am so grateful they had the fortitude to know something was wrong, exit the building onto a side street and head in the opposite direction, out of the city. I am so sad for those who did not have the time to escape the blasts. So many injured, three dead that I know of. But the fatalities could have been so much worse. Yet. Why? What do we do with this madness?

I don’t know. But I know what I’m not going to do. I’m not going to live in fear. I refuse to walk through each day thinking the worst is about to happen. I am going to pray. That’s really all I know to do at this point. I’m going to be grateful for the small things. The amazing things like my son not being there, not being hurt. I’m thankful that my sister and her family are visiting us this week. I’m going to treasure the times we have together, and make the most of them. I’m going to look forward to our daughter’s wedding and support them as much as we can.

Maybe one day I will understand this hard time in our lives. Maybe I won’t. But for now, for today, I’m reaching up. I’m holding on to hope, grasping my meagre faith, and trusting God to get us through.

 

Exciting Stuff!!

Today marks the beginning of my TOUR with Litfuse Publicity, for Hidden in the Heart!! I am very excited about this and I hope you will all spread the word!

You can find out more at My Author Page as well as the LitFuse website!

I hope you’ll participate and enter to win the Kindle Fire!

Happy Reading!

HAPPY EASTER!

Hi Everyone,

I hope you have had a wonderful Easter, and enjoyed the day celebrating Christ’s resurrection with family and friends!

Blessings to you and yours…

Negativity Will Get You…

How would you finish that sentence?
I was going to write, “Negativity Will Get You Nowhere.” But then I got to thinking. A lot of people get a lot of attention by being negative or partaking in negative activities. Scroll through any newsfeed or watch television for ten minutes. It’s everywhere. In this feel-good generation that has a give-me-what-I-want-and-I-want-it-yesterday mentality, I don’t suppose it is at all surprising that most of our interactions consist of tearing each other down.

As an author, I can tell you, those negative reviews sting. If you don’t like my book, that’s fine. But is it really necessary to be nasty about it? I’m not sure what gives anyone the right to be rude in a public forum. Fortunately, so far at least, I have been spared the bad reviews. But next week, about fifty bloggers are going to be posting their thoughts on Hidden in the Heart. And that’s a little terrifying. As much as I hope and pray most of those reviews will be positive, I know there will be some who just didn’t like the book. We live in a subjective world. It’s bound to happen.

What’s important is how you handle those negative thoughts, whether you are the giver or the receiver.

Since becoming a published author, I’ve scaled back on giving reviews. I’ll rave about a book I love, but if I really didn’t like the book, I won’t leave any comment. I will give endorsements to authors who ask for them, and I love doing that. But I’m a lot more wary when it comes to sharing negative thoughts. I get tripped up over this on Facebook all the time. It’s so easy to be negative, to complain, and sometimes, well, I admit, I just feel better after a good rant. But here’s the thing, ranting opens the door to conversations you might not want to have. I don’t mind when people disagree with me, it happens a lot. But when they do it in a way that I feel is disrespectful or harmful to others who have commented, I shut the thread down and wish I’d never started it. It’s a fine line we walk, being honest and sincere without coming across as judgmental.

So I think negativity can sometimes  be dangerous on a public forum. I also think it can be dangerous if left to fester and taunt in our own mind. Which is why I probably voice more than I should. I just have to share how I’m feeling or it’ll eat me up. Some will relate, some won’t. And some will argue for the sake of it. But I’m not sure I should stop giving my opinion. It is after all, mine to give. Just because I say something someone disagrees with, does that mean I shouldn’t have said it?

I don’t know.

You tell me.