Bittersweet Goodbyes

We lost Dad on April 22nd. April 2013 will go down as a month we never want to repeat. I could never have imagined losing my father-in-law just a month shy of my daughter’s wedding. Never. Yet, here we are. I didn’t know if I would write about this. I didn’t know whether I could. But I’ve realized we need to share our memories of a great man, a wonderful father, grandfather and great-grandfather.

Dad was a soft-spoken man, his deep, caring voice was capable of softening the hardest of hearts. He loved to sing and he was good at it. He loved reading, painting, needlepoint and he played a mean game of Scrabble. But most of all he loved his family and the Lord. My husband says Dad was the best preacher on earth. His sermons were always to the point, succinct and sincere. He made you think, made you re-examine life and the way you live it. I always walked away from his Sunday morning services with a lot to chew on for the week. I was young when I first heard him preach, definitely not living my life to the fullest. I figure he knew that. And he loved me anyway. Loved me through some pretty hard things too. Like my Mom having a stroke after a heart-valve replacement. I went to stay with my then boyfriend’s parents because I knew they would give me what I needed. Unconditional love and time to grieve.

He was the kind of man, who, after marrying us, drew me into a hug and whispered, “Welcome, daughter.” He was the kind of man who, even as he lay in the hospital during his final days, was thinking of others and wanted to ensure we all knew certain things. Like the fact that he’d already written the vows he was going to speak at our daughter’s wedding. He took care of others before taking care of himself. Perhaps that was his one flaw. He never wanted to be a bother to anyone. After several back surgeries over the years, he lived in constant pain. I rarely heard him complain.

Dad was the kind of man who loved his life and lived it to the full. He didn’t let his limitations get in the way of doing things. He set a great example of faith, trust and perseverance through trial – an example we will all be hard pressed to follow. He had a great sense of humor and he loved to tell stories. I remember fondly how he’d sit out on our back porch, a kid on each knee, and spin great tales about Honey Bears and Turtles – the stories were fun but they always carried a lesson too. He loved to swim, and during his time in Bermuda, you could find him floating around Harrington Sound for hours on end. He loved to eat too, and used to joke that he had a hollow leg. If you ever saw him at a buffet, you’d believe it!

He leaves behind so many memories, so many lessons learned from him, so many reminders of how he loved each one of us. His legacy is rich, faith-filled and ripe with the assurance that he knew exactly where he was going as he drew his final breath. He was at peace. And I know he’d want us to be too.

But it’s hard to say goodbye to someone you love. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. It doesn’t get easier. Our family dynamics have changed, but our roots remain strong. We can build on the love Dad left behind, draw strength from it, and look forward to the future with the conviction that one day we will be together again. We must move on, but life will always look a little different.

A week ago we stood graveside, held tight to the memories, and said our final goodbyes. He is loved, missed and will never be forgotten.

See you on the other side, Dad.

Winner of the Kindle Fire Giveaway!

I’m pleased to announce that the winner of the draw for the Kindle Fire is -

Susan from Shakopee, Minnesota!!

Congratulations, Susan, I hope you enjoy! I have emailed you with further details.

Thank you all for being a part of my Litfuse Campaign and enjoying Hidden in the Heart.

Hairpin Turns And Heartbreak

I need to write. I need to write but I don’t have the words. I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling right now, how broken my heart is, this ache inside.

We are forty days out from my daughter’s wedding. Forty days. My father-in-law, a retired pastor who was planning to marry Sarah and Randy, now lies in the ICU after suffering a massive heart attack on April 2nd. I will not underestimate the power of God, but the prognosis is not good. Chances are, he may not be with us on May 25th.

How do I deal with this? How do I comfort my husband and my kids and my relatives who are all reeling from this devastating turn of events? My own heart is heavy with emotion. I have questions. I’m angry. We’re supposed to be joyfully anticipating a wedding, yet here we are in tears.  I want to know why. I want it to not have happened. I understand that I am allowed to feel this way. I don’t believe God will smite me for questioning Him, but I’m not sure He’s going to give me any answers either. But, as in all things, He does give me a choice. I can choose to let this anger and bitterness fester. I can choose to wallow in my grief over the pain that my family is feeling. Or I can choose to walk through it in faith. I can choose to trust that even in this, God knows what is best. He has a plan, and it is good.

But this is so, so hard.

So hard to say goodbye to someone you love, knowing that you probably won’t see them again this side of eternity. As I left the hospital on Saturday and flew home Sunday, I couldn’t believe that this would be the case. Do I believe in miracles? Yes. But at this point, I don’t even know what to pray for. If you have ever watched a loved one suffer, you will understand my turmoil. I have been here before. When I lost my mom, in those final awful days, all I could pray was, “Lord, take her.” And then he did. This time it’s a little harder to let go. Sometimes it’s impossible to believe this is even happening. But it is and we are going to have to face whatever comes next with grace, conviction and faith that God works together for good, in all things. Oh, Lord give me the strength to do that. Because right now, I’m not feeling it.

To top it all off, I came home yesterday to hear about the bombings at the Boston marathon. My mind immediately flew to my son. Where was he? Was he there? Was he hurt? It’s almost too much to take. Thankfully, Chris is fine. He and his girlfriend were in The Prudential Center heading to watch the end of the race when the bombs went off.

A few blocks away. Close.

Too close.

I am so grateful they had the fortitude to know something was wrong, exit the building onto a side street and head in the opposite direction, out of the city. I am so sad for those who did not have the time to escape the blasts. So many injured, three dead that I know of. But the fatalities could have been so much worse. Yet. Why? What do we do with this madness?

I don’t know. But I know what I’m not going to do. I’m not going to live in fear. I refuse to walk through each day thinking the worst is about to happen. I am going to pray. That’s really all I know to do at this point. I’m going to be grateful for the small things. The amazing things like my son not being there, not being hurt. I’m thankful that my sister and her family are visiting us this week. I’m going to treasure the times we have together, and make the most of them. I’m going to look forward to our daughter’s wedding and support them as much as we can.

Maybe one day I will understand this hard time in our lives. Maybe I won’t. But for now, for today, I’m reaching up. I’m holding on to hope, grasping my meagre faith, and trusting God to get us through.

 

Exciting Stuff!!

Today marks the beginning of my TOUR with Litfuse Publicity, for Hidden in the Heart!! I am very excited about this and I hope you will all spread the word!

You can find out more at My Author Page as well as the LitFuse website!

I hope you’ll participate and enter to win the Kindle Fire!

Happy Reading!

HAPPY EASTER!

Hi Everyone,

I hope you have had a wonderful Easter, and enjoyed the day celebrating Christ’s resurrection with family and friends!

Blessings to you and yours…

Negativity Will Get You…

How would you finish that sentence?
I was going to write, “Negativity Will Get You Nowhere.” But then I got to thinking. A lot of people get a lot of attention by being negative or partaking in negative activities. Scroll through any newsfeed or watch television for ten minutes. It’s everywhere. In this feel-good generation that has a give-me-what-I-want-and-I-want-it-yesterday mentality, I don’t suppose it is at all surprising that most of our interactions consist of tearing each other down.

As an author, I can tell you, those negative reviews sting. If you don’t like my book, that’s fine. But is it really necessary to be nasty about it? I’m not sure what gives anyone the right to be rude in a public forum. Fortunately, so far at least, I have been spared the bad reviews. But next week, about fifty bloggers are going to be posting their thoughts on Hidden in the Heart. And that’s a little terrifying. As much as I hope and pray most of those reviews will be positive, I know there will be some who just didn’t like the book. We live in a subjective world. It’s bound to happen.

What’s important is how you handle those negative thoughts, whether you are the giver or the receiver.

Since becoming a published author, I’ve scaled back on giving reviews. I’ll rave about a book I love, but if I really didn’t like the book, I won’t leave any comment. I will give endorsements to authors who ask for them, and I love doing that. But I’m a lot more wary when it comes to sharing negative thoughts. I get tripped up over this on Facebook all the time. It’s so easy to be negative, to complain, and sometimes, well, I admit, I just feel better after a good rant. But here’s the thing, ranting opens the door to conversations you might not want to have. I don’t mind when people disagree with me, it happens a lot. But when they do it in a way that I feel is disrespectful or harmful to others who have commented, I shut the thread down and wish I’d never started it. It’s a fine line we walk, being honest and sincere without coming across as judgmental.

So I think negativity can sometimes  be dangerous on a public forum. I also think it can be dangerous if left to fester and taunt in our own mind. Which is why I probably voice more than I should. I just have to share how I’m feeling or it’ll eat me up. Some will relate, some won’t. And some will argue for the sake of it. But I’m not sure I should stop giving my opinion. It is after all, mine to give. Just because I say something someone disagrees with, does that mean I shouldn’t have said it?

I don’t know.

You tell me.

Help An Author Out?

Most of us enjoy reading. If you’re reading this blog, you probably fall into that category. Some of you may also be writers, either published authors or pre-published. I fall into both categories – I love to read and I love to write. I would say I am a voracious reader, but I have to admit, since being published, time does not permit me to read as many books as I would like to these days.

Before I was published, I never really considered how it would feel to be an author, and what that would entail. I think, like most of us, I had dreams of success. I’m still holding onto some of those dreams, but over the past couple of years, I’ve discovered that being a published author is not as easy as I’d told myself it would be.

Sure, I can do the hard work of writing, editing, re-writing, as many times as needed, because that’s what I do, and I love it. But, once all that hard work pays off, I have a book to present to the general public, and…I freeze.

Marketing is soooo not me. But I plod on, taking risks, following leads and hoping that perhaps one day my books will fall into the right hands and all of a sudden there will be this major buzz and I’ll see sales skyrocket (like in that dream I mentioned)…but so far this remains just a dream. But I do what I can. And one thing I can do is ask for a little help from my friends.

If you’ve read and enjoyed either Hidden in the Heart or Yesterday’s Tomorrow, there are several things you can do:

Tell your friends! Word of mouth is a powerful tool!

Write a review! Believe it or not, the number of good reviews a book has does not go unnoticed. I also love hearing what readers think, even if they didn’t like a book. You can post reviews on Amazon, GoodReads, Shelfari, Christian Book Distributors, Barnes & Noble to name just a few.

Offer to interview an author on your blog! This is a fun way to spread the word about a book you’ve enjoyed, and authors will often offer a giveaway copy.

For me, I know that having a support system is one of the most important things in this publishing journey. I have two important events coming up in April that I’d like to share with you -

Hidden in the Heart has been selected as one of the Book of the Month picks in the ACFW Book Club. You do not have to be a member of ACFW to join the book club, so if you would like to join in the discussion for Hidden in the Heart at that time, I’d love to have you join in! Or you could just spread the word about it. The discussion begins April 20th!

I have signed up with the super cool folks at Litfuse, and we’ll be doing a blog tour in April – 3rd – 21st. I’ll post more information about that closer to the time, but I’d love it if you would re-post or tweet any links I send out during that time!

If you’d like to read more about what you can do to help out an author, I found this blog post by my agent, Rachelle Gardner, on the Books & Such Literary Agency blog to be very helpful.

Well, I appreciate your reading this and if you’re so inclined to help an author out, I know you won’t go unappreciated.

Does God Answer Prayer? You Bet He Does!

When I embarked on the search for my birth mother, just around this time twelve years ago, I had absolutely no way of knowing what doors would open. There were no warning labels, no flashing red lights, no “do not pass go” directions…all I had was that gut feeling that God was giving me permission to proceed.

But, I was scared. And yes, while I know we’re supposed to pray without ceasing, which means, well, all the time, sometimes I forget. I don’t pray in the grocery store before deciding which brand of toothpaste to buy. I don’t pray before I cross the street. I do pray when I’m sitting on an airplane, strapped in, listening to the sound of the engines building as we rumble down the tarmac. I do pray on the way down and each time we hit a bump. I pray when I’m in a car on a busy freeway. I pray when I’m scared. A lot. But this is all kind of beside the point. The point is, I embarked on this search believing God was behind my desire to search and I trusted Him to lead the way.

He did. My search ended about two weeks after it began. My journey did not. Unbeknownst to me, there were many miracles left to be revealed. Many mysteries to be solved. Many that wouldn’t be.

One of the biggest miracles on my journey was the discovery that I had a sister. I grew up as an only child and always wanted a sibling, so this was incredible news! But then I got scared again. I knew that she didn’t know about me, and I didn’t know how she’d react. I knew that my birth mother didn’t want to tell my sister about me, and I definitely knew how that would go down if I went ahead and did it anyway. Suffice to say, this was one of the most difficult, trying times in my life. I wanted more than anything to reach out to my sister, to see if there was a chance at a relationship, but I knew the time was not yet right.

And so I prayed.

Sometimes when you’re desperate, prayer is the only thing you can do.

It was one of those very surreal situations where, while I didn’t understand why, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was not meant to make contact with my sister. But every single bit of me wanted to. Deep down I just knew…I knew that we were meant to know each other. Creepy, weird, visionary, whatever you want to call it, it was definitely one of those you know that you know that you know things. But I also knew God was saying ‘wait’. And it sucked.

When God tells you to do something you don’t want to do, what do you do? 

Well, you can run like heck in the opposite direction. I’d already been there, done that, a few times in my life, so I kind of knew how that option would turn out. Or you can choose to be obedient. Having had the privilege of watching God work some amazing miracles in our lives just a few years prior, I figured obedience would be my best bet. So, I hung out and waited. For approximately fourteen months.

About halfway through that waiting period, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Out of desperation, I attempted to contact my sister via a letter. No response. I was crushed. And guilty because I’d gone ahead and done things on my own, knowing I wasn’t supposed to. So maybe she didn’t want to know me. And maybe that’s what I deserved.

I remember crying out to God one day, literally, in tears, asking him why. Why couldn’t I just pick up the phone and end this right now – I could even get on a plane and show up on my sister’s doorstep. I had all the information. I just didn’t have the permission.

Again, I was told no. But this time it was different. This time, in another surreal spiritual moment, I was given three very clear words.

Let. It. Go.

Say what? Oh, yeah. Right. Really?

Yes.

Once again, I knew I had to obey. You see, when you decide to get in the boat with God, when you decide to follow Him, fully trust Him with every ounce of faith you posses, it’s no longer about doing things your way. Faith is all about trusting. And believing. And knowing that the God you’ve chosen to claim as your Heavenly Father loves you beyond boundaries, beyond breaking point, and He will bring all things together for good. Always.

Not an easy concept to grasp, is it?

Well, I did let it go. I was miserable. Angry. And definitely not in possession of any real understanding of why things had worked out this way. But I got on with my life. I had to. I knew if I didn’t, the whole thing would just make me nuts.

But then something happened. Something so incredible, that to this day I can still feel it. Chills still race through me at the memory.

It was a Thursday. January 23rd, 2003. Around five thirty in the evening. We’d just come home from my daughter’s piano lesson. I went downstairs to check my emails before starting dinner. And that’s when my whole world changed.

There in my inbox sat an email from my sister. The heading?
Communication At Last.

She wanted to know me.

I can’t go into all the whys and hows and wherefores of what brought her to the point of writing that email at that particular time. Suffice to say, God’s timing is everything. While I was moaning and groaning and mourning things that would never be, God was working. Creating circumstances and lining up facts and putting things into place that would prepare us for this moment. Far be it for me to question the mind of God.

All I can tell you is this.

God gives and God takes away. God answers prayers. Sometimes He says no. Sometimes He says wait. Sometimes He floods your soul with a resounding YES, in ways you would never imagine.

Next Wednesday is January 23rd, 2013. Ten years since the day God answered my prayer. Ten years since the day my dream came true. Ten years since the day God gave me my sister.

I’m going to spend the week with my sister. We will celebrate together. We will thank God together. And we will look forward to the next ten years, whatever they may bring. And I know God is smiling. Maybe He’s even laughing, because He knew…long before either of us were even born…He knew this day would come.

And He knew it would be good.

Change – Good or Bad?

I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t like change. I like knowing where things are. I like the security of sameness. I’m not big on adventure or uncertainty. Suffice to say, I’m not a big fan of huge changes. But sometimes, change is good.

We’ve just had a General Election here in Bermuda. The ruling party has been voted out after fourteen years. We have a new Government, with new ideas and goals. I can assure you that in this instance, change is very, very good. But it brings along questions, and yes, uncertainty. What if we made a mistake in voting for this new party? What if they don’t bring about the change this island so desperately needs? What if they don’t live up to the high expectations that over half the island has placed on them?

What if the world actually ends on Friday? 

Well, if that happens then none of these questions will matter.

Playing the what if game never did anybody any good. You can’t go back and re-do what has been done. We all have things in our lives that we wish we could change. We long for a do-over. But we also know that there are many things we just won’t be able to fix. We make choices every single day. Some bad, some good, some just plain stupid.

Change is a choice.

Not always, you say, there are lots of things in my life that I didn’t choose to happen to me, but they did anyway – true enough. Nobody chooses to be unemployed. Nobody chooses to get cancer. Nobody chooses to be a parent who is told they’ve lost their six-year old. Those kinds of changes are life-altering, devastating and can be debilitating. I haven’t made much comment on Sandy Hook because I simply don’t know what to say. There are no words to express that kind of horror or grief.

Just as it did on September 11th, 2001, last Friday, December 14th, 2012, the world changed. As devastating as those events were, I believe that some of the changes they bring about will be good. Gun control is never a bad thing. Loving your kids extra hard and not taking things for granted…that’s a good thing. I think when we are forced to stare in the face of evil, we grow stronger. We change our resolve and we determine to fight against it. So let me re-phrase that.

Positive change can be a choice.

As we approach Christmas and the start of a new year, it is time to seek change. We all have the opportunity to take stock of our lives and look at where we’re going. And yes, we can choose to change some things if we so desire. Change is not something to fear. If we choose change for the right reasons, it can be a refreshing breeze, lifting oppression and stagnation that we may have grown accustomed to. Change can bring about freedom, if we embrace it and allow ourselves to accept it. Change is a hard concept to grasp. But sometimes it is necessary, and worth fighting for.

Are there things in your life that you want to change in the coming year?

 

No Room For Regret…

Christmas.

Immerse yourself in the word. What images come to mind? What are you feeling? What are you remembering?

I see colorful lights, glowing stars and snow angels. I hear childish whispers and giggles, voices raised in praise, murmured conversations around a crackling fire whilst others around us nod off, content after eating far too much turkey. I feel the tight hugs of excited children, waiting for the end of the evening, anticipating a visit from a jolly bearded fellow in a red suit. I feel the warmth in my husband’s eyes as we share secrets and set up surprises.

I remember days gone by when we were woken at five in the morning by kids who couldn’t wait a second longer. I remember my own excitement as a child.

I remember school concerts and church pageants. I remember visits from far away relatives come to spend the season with us. I remember the roaring fire, hot chocolate and Jingle Bells. I remember my mother’s smile and the way her eyes lit as each day grew closer. I remember the hospital visits when her last Christmas was near. I remember good times, fun times and very sad times.

I remember Jesus. And I thank Him for loving me. For giving us another year to celebrate His birth and what it means for us.

Often we use this time of year to reflect and count our blessings. To take stock of the things we have done, the things we didn’t do, and the things we still want to do. This year is no different for me. I have received many blessings. I have also been challenged in ways I can say I don’t particularly enjoy.

I am still learning how to navigate the waters of the publishing ocean. I am still learning to be patient, because as of yet, no miracle has occurred and I have not discovered the secret of waiting in peace…but I am determined to learn.

I have a feeling it may take a while.

I have made some mistakes, but I have no room for regret. Lessons are learned and I move on.

I anticipate the coming year with great joy. Our daughter will walk down the aisle and marry the man of her dreams. We will celebrate with family and friends.

I will continue to write, continue to seek God’s will in my writing career and in all areas of my life. I will continue to seek joy and peace, and simply enjoy the journey.

Those are my thoughts today as I consider Christmas.

What about you? What do you remember and what are you thankful for?