Kidding. I get those moments a lot. I read something, hear something, see something that immediately kicks my heart-rate into high gear. But, much as I want to, more often than not, I don’t speak. I don’t say what I really want to because…well…honestly…I don’t know why. Perhaps I’m afraid of the repercussions if I do. Perhaps I know that what I really want to say won’t be accepted or even heard. Perhaps I know that what’s irking me really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. Or, perhaps, I’m just afraid.

Fear is one of the biggest obstacles standing in the way of healthy communication.

Right? Think about it. How many times have you walked away from a conversation with some regret? How many times have you come ‘this close’ to saying what you really need to, but don’t? I’m not one to confront, I avoid confrontation like the plague. It makes me all churned up inside. Maybe that’s just my personality. Maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about what other people think. But I do.

So it’s kind of funny that in my writing, I don’t really give much thought to having my characters speak their mind. Or maybe it’s not funny. Maybe this is my way of saying what I really want to say.

Over the last year, I’ve struggled with figuring out the kind of writer I want to be. And then I realized it’s not a matter of ‘wanting to be’. I already am that writer.

I don’t agonize over every word. I don’t worry about offending anyone, but neither do I intentionally set out to do so. I’ve been around long enough to know that no matter how hard you try, somebody out there is going to find something to pick on and get their knickers in a twist over. It happens. I’m not perfect and neither are my characters. As I’ve said before, (in this blog post)  I won’t pretty it up and put a bow on it. Sure, there’s a market for those Candyland type books, but I don’t read them and I don’t want to write them.

I write the kind of books I want to read. It’s that simple.

I live a real life complete with struggles and heartbreak and lots of love and laughter in between. I bet you do too. And sometimes life gets so hard you don’t know what to do with it. You don’t know where to find hope. But somehow, somewhere along the journey, you do. You catch a glimpse of it and you reach out and hold tight with everything you’ve got. And one day, you wake up, rub the grit from your eyes and find yourself standing in the middle of a miracle.

In this ever-changing world, we need a constant. A touchstone. Something solid that we know we can rely on, something that we know we’d be utterly bereft without. For me, that’s God. My faith. It may be for you as well, or it may be your spouse, your dog, your cat or your Mom. When I set out to tell a story, I want that book to be a touchstone. I want my readers to see my name on the cover and know exactly what they’re going to get. I want them to know that somewhere in those pages, they’re going to find hope.

I don’t want to disappoint. But I will remain true to myself and the words I believe God gives me. I write from the heart. It’s not always pretty. People fail. They sin. They might say crap. And maybe some other stuff. And yes, those same people might even be Christians. If that offends you, then you probably don’t want to read my books. But if you believe that we’re all put on this earth for a purpose, we’re all on a journey of faith in some way shape or form, all searching for hope, for truth, then you might find that my words resonate with you.

I may not always be great at expressing myself in person, but I will always strive to be honest. And I will always write the truth, with integrity and transparency. And, in my writing at least, I will say what I really want to say.

Your thoughts? 

We lost Dad on April 22nd. April 2013 will go down as a month we never want to repeat. I could never have imagined losing my father-in-law just a month shy of my daughter’s wedding. Never. Yet, here we are. I didn’t know if I would write about this. I didn’t know whether I could. But I’ve realized we need to share our memories of a great man, a wonderful father, grandfather and great-grandfather.

Dad was a soft-spoken man, his deep, caring voice was capable of softening the hardest of hearts. He loved to sing and he was good at it. He loved reading, painting, needlepoint and he played a mean game of Scrabble. But most of all he loved his family and the Lord. My husband says Dad was the best preacher on earth. His sermons were always to the point, succinct and sincere. He made you think, made you re-examine life and the way you live it. I always walked away from his Sunday morning services with a lot to chew on for the week. I was young when I first heard him preach, definitely not living my life to the fullest. I figure he knew that. And he loved me anyway. Loved me through some pretty hard things too. Like my Mom having a stroke after a heart-valve replacement. I went to stay with my then boyfriend’s parents because I knew they would give me what I needed. Unconditional love and time to grieve.

He was the kind of man, who, after marrying us, drew me into a hug and whispered, “Welcome, daughter.” He was the kind of man who, even as he lay in the hospital during his final days, was thinking of others and wanted to ensure we all knew certain things. Like the fact that he’d already written the vows he was going to speak at our daughter’s wedding. He took care of others before taking care of himself. Perhaps that was his one flaw. He never wanted to be a bother to anyone. After several back surgeries over the years, he lived in constant pain. I rarely heard him complain.

Dad was the kind of man who loved his life and lived it to the full. He didn’t let his limitations get in the way of doing things. He set a great example of faith, trust and perseverance through trial – an example we will all be hard pressed to follow. He had a great sense of humor and he loved to tell stories. I remember fondly how he’d sit out on our back porch, a kid on each knee, and spin great tales about Honey Bears and Turtles – the stories were fun but they always carried a lesson too. He loved to swim, and during his time in Bermuda, you could find him floating around Harrington Sound for hours on end. He loved to eat too, and used to joke that he had a hollow leg. If you ever saw him at a buffet, you’d believe it!

He leaves behind so many memories, so many lessons learned from him, so many reminders of how he loved each one of us. His legacy is rich, faith-filled and ripe with the assurance that he knew exactly where he was going as he drew his final breath. He was at peace. And I know he’d want us to be too.

But it’s hard to say goodbye to someone you love. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. It doesn’t get easier. Our family dynamics have changed, but our roots remain strong. We can build on the love Dad left behind, draw strength from it, and look forward to the future with the conviction that one day we will be together again. We must move on, but life will always look a little different.

A week ago we stood graveside, held tight to the memories, and said our final goodbyes. He is loved, missed and will never be forgotten.

See you on the other side, Dad.

Susan from Shakopee, Minnesota!!

Congratulations, Susan, I hope you enjoy! I have emailed you with further details.

Thank you all for being a part of my Litfuse Campaign and enjoying Hidden in the Heart.

We are forty days out from my daughter’s wedding. Forty days. My father-in-law, a retired pastor who was planning to marry Sarah and Randy, now lies in the ICU after suffering a massive heart attack on April 2nd. I will not underestimate the power of God, but the prognosis is not good. Chances are, he may not be with us on May 25th.

How do I deal with this? How do I comfort my husband and my kids and my relatives who are all reeling from this devastating turn of events? My own heart is heavy with emotion. I have questions. I’m angry. We’re supposed to be joyfully anticipating a wedding, yet here we are in tears.  I want to know why. I want it to not have happened. I understand that I am allowed to feel this way. I don’t believe God will smite me for questioning Him, but I’m not sure He’s going to give me any answers either. But, as in all things, He does give me a choice. I can choose to let this anger and bitterness fester. I can choose to wallow in my grief over the pain that my family is feeling. Or I can choose to walk through it in faith. I can choose to trust that even in this, God knows what is best. He has a plan, and it is good.

But this is so, so hard.

So hard to say goodbye to someone you love, knowing that you probably won’t see them again this side of eternity. As I left the hospital on Saturday and flew home Sunday, I couldn’t believe that this would be the case. Do I believe in miracles? Yes. But at this point, I don’t even know what to pray for. If you have ever watched a loved one suffer, you will understand my turmoil. I have been here before. When I lost my mom, in those final awful days, all I could pray was, “Lord, take her.” And then he did. This time it’s a little harder to let go. Sometimes it’s impossible to believe this is even happening. But it is and we are going to have to face whatever comes next with grace, conviction and faith that God works together for good, in all things. Oh, Lord give me the strength to do that. Because right now, I’m not feeling it.

To top it all off, I came home yesterday to hear about the bombings at the Boston marathon. My mind immediately flew to my son. Where was he? Was he there? Was he hurt? It’s almost too much to take. Thankfully, Chris is fine. He and his girlfriend were in The Prudential Center heading to watch the end of the race when the bombs went off.

A few blocks away. Close.

Too close.

I am so grateful they had the fortitude to know something was wrong, exit the building onto a side street and head in the opposite direction, out of the city. I am so sad for those who did not have the time to escape the blasts. So many injured, three dead that I know of. But the fatalities could have been so much worse. Yet. Why? What do we do with this madness?

I don’t know. But I know what I’m not going to do. I’m not going to live in fear. I refuse to walk through each day thinking the worst is about to happen. I am going to pray. That’s really all I know to do at this point. I’m going to be grateful for the small things. The amazing things like my son not being there, not being hurt. I’m thankful that my sister and her family are visiting us this week. I’m going to treasure the times we have together, and make the most of them. I’m going to look forward to our daughter’s wedding and support them as much as we can.

Maybe one day I will understand this hard time in our lives. Maybe I won’t. But for now, for today, I’m reaching up. I’m holding on to hope, grasping my meagre faith, and trusting God to get us through.

You can find out more at My Author Page as well as the LitFuse website!

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Happy Reading!

I hope you have had a wonderful Easter, and enjoyed the day celebrating Christ’s resurrection with family and friends!

Blessings to you and yours…

As an author, I can tell you, those negative reviews sting. If you don’t like my book, that’s fine. But is it really necessary to be nasty about it? I’m not sure what gives anyone the right to be rude in a public forum. Fortunately, so far at least, I have been spared the bad reviews. But next week, about fifty bloggers are going to be posting their thoughts on Hidden in the Heart. And that’s a little terrifying. As much as I hope and pray most of those reviews will be positive, I know there will be some who just didn’t like the book. We live in a subjective world. It’s bound to happen.

What’s important is how you handle those negative thoughts, whether you are the giver or the receiver.

Since becoming a published author, I’ve scaled back on giving reviews. I’ll rave about a book I love, but if I really didn’t like the book, I won’t leave any comment. I will give endorsements to authors who ask for them, and I love doing that. But I’m a lot more wary when it comes to sharing negative thoughts. I get tripped up over this on Facebook all the time. It’s so easy to be negative, to complain, and sometimes, well, I admit, I just feel better after a good rant. But here’s the thing, ranting opens the door to conversations you might not want to have. I don’t mind when people disagree with me, it happens a lot. But when they do it in a way that I feel is disrespectful or harmful to others who have commented, I shut the thread down and wish I’d never started it. It’s a fine line we walk, being honest and sincere without coming across as judgmental.

So I think negativity can sometimes  be dangerous on a public forum. I also think it can be dangerous if left to fester and taunt in our own mind. Which is why I probably voice more than I should. I just have to share how I’m feeling or it’ll eat me up. Some will relate, some won’t. And some will argue for the sake of it. But I’m not sure I should stop giving my opinion. It is after all, mine to give. Just because I say something someone disagrees with, does that mean I shouldn’t have said it?

I don’t know.

You tell me.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m not feeling 100% I like to snuggle under warm blankets and just veg. Not much writing happens when my brain is clogged. And I’m trying not to feel guilty about that. Trying not to think about it in general actually, because I’m not feeling very positive about things right now. I don’t deal well with uncertainty, well, who does, right? I like a plan, I like knowing what’s coming next, what to prepare for and how to move past the obstacles. You can’t exactly do that with the world of publishing. The best I can do is keep writing, keep my eyes focussed on what is in front of me, the tangible, the things I can control, and quit worrying about the things I can’t. Oh, but it’s hard.

Still, I am so grateful for so many things today, even as I sit here coughing up a lung. I have so many wonderful friends who support me, my amazing family, so much to look forward to. Discouragement is easy to give in to, but I’m determined to move past it.

Okay, enough said. We haven’t talked books in a while, so let’s do that! These days I’m reading several great novels -

The Girl in the Gatehouse – Julie Klassen

The Girl in the Gatehouse is a historical, rich in detail with captivating characters – I’ve become a fan of Julie’s over the last couple of years, and I was so thrilled to meet her in person this past September in Monterey! We are with the same agency, so we got to hang out a bit. I recommend all her books, and there are a few of them!

Flight of the Earls - Michael K Reynolds 

Flight of the Earls is Michael’s first novel, and although I’m not very far along with it yet, I’m eager to dive in when I have the time to devote to it. The story is about Irish Immigrants, who leave the shores of Ireland for America, in 1846 – I know I’m going to find this fascinating, as I have always loved these kinds of stories.

Swimming to the Surface - Kristin Billerbeck 

Swimming to the Surface I just happened across the other day. Kristin is known for her YA novels, so when I saw that she’d written an adult fiction, I checked it out. I was even more surprised to discover the author has self-published this book, because that option is always in the back of my mind. It is a different story, but one that any Christian who has struggled within the church can appreciate. I’m looking forward to finishing it.

I still have a ton of books on my TBR pile, but those are three I’m enjoying at the moment. Writing wise, I’m still working on First Harvest, and a new story called Home to Castle Hill. Don’t forget, next month, April – Hidden in the Heart is ACFW Book Club’s pick of the month. I hope you will join in that discussion. And, as always, if you have enjoyed either of my books and would like to post a review, I welcome them! Still haven’t checked out my writing? Visit my website for information about my books and read the excerpts!

What’s on your current reading list? 

It has been an interesting couple of weeks.

I have a lot going on right now, and in the back of my mind is always some thought about my so-called career as a writer. Am I doing enough? What next? Should I be working on this or this?

When I have stuff out on submission, as I do at the moment, I tend to play a lot of mind games. It’s a little tedious, but old habits die hard. I’ve been asking myself the big old ‘What If…’ questions. What if I wrote this for a certain publisher – if it got picked up, I could get a start on getting my ‘name’ out there as a legitimate author. A good thought. And not the first time I’ve considered it. But you see, the problem comes with the kinds of stories I would have to write if I were to submit something to this house. They’re good books, don’t get me wrong, but…the style is just…not me. Could I write that way? Sure. But I think what I really had to ask myself is, “Why would I want to?” Just for the sake of getting another book published? Maybe getting a little more recognition than I have now? Selling a few more books and maybe making a little bit more money than I have in the past?

Really? Is that why I’m doing this?

Incase you’re wondering, the answer is no.

From the time I started writing, I knew I wanted to convey a particular message. I knew that my style of writing would get down and dirty and probably not be considered wholesome enough for a vast majority of church goers. This was confirmed when Yesterday’s Tomorrow came out, and I was questioned, quite seriously, about the fact that my characters did and said things that this particular reader did not approve of or think should appear in a ‘Christian’ novel. And she had a point. My characters were lost. They were in the middle of a war zone for one thing…and yes, they did and said things that might make some little old lady’s hair curl. Before anyone freaks out and wonders what exactly is in that book, it’s quite acceptable I assure you. Obviously not acceptable for everyone, but that’s okay with me. I could not write that story any other way. And, yes, I prayed about it. I knew without a doubt, when that book was accepted for publication, that I had not sold out.I hadn’t prettied it up and made it into something it wasn’t. It was good the way it was. Thankfully, more than a few people agreed with me, but even if they hadn’t, I knew I’d written it the way I was supposed to.

So here’s my question:

Can we sanitize sin?

Can we take our ugly, brush off the dirt, wrap it in shiny paper, stick a pretty bow on it and call it beautiful? I don’t believe we can. We can leave it the way it is, step around it, ignore it, let someone else deal with it, but it’s still going to be there an hour later. Or the next day. And the next. At some point, we have to deal with it ourselves.

The real world is not pretty. People make poor choices. Devastating choices. Turn on the television for five minutes and get a load of the crap that we’re being fed on a daily basis. Is there no hope for a world that desperately needs it? I think there is. But I don’t think we can ignore what’s happening around us. I don’t think we can ignore the disintegration of the family. The anger in a teenager’s eyes. The lack of self-worth and self-respect found in our young women, and young men too. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, gambling…you name it, it’s out there in some way shape or form in at least one of your neighbors homes. Maybe even in yours. I don’t think we can ignore these things. I don’t think we should. I think we should talk about them, write about them, pray about them.

But don’t ignore them.

Yes, I understand that we all love a happy, sweet story. I’ve read them and enjoyed them. I love my HEA (Happily Ever After) just as much as the next person. There’s a market for these books. But it’s not the market for me. I have things to say in my own way. And I might offend some people in the process. But I think it’s important to realize that everyone has a different way of telling a story. You may not like mine. But I won’t pretty it up for you. If you want to talk salvation, let’s talk sin. You can’t have one without the other.

This past Friday, after a wonderful eye-opening conversation with a dear writer-friend, I posted the following on Facebook:

I will not write words I think the world wants to hear. I will write words I know the world NEEDS to hear. I will keep it real and not sanitize it – because the real world is ugly and dirty and desperate and in need of HOPE. Today, I give myself the freedom to express my heart the way God intended me to, and the faith to trust Him for the outcome. 

Where that will take me in the publishing world is a big unknown. But if I’m trusting, then I also need to start believing. My stories will be written, and somehow, in some way, shape or form, I will share them.

And maybe you, in turn, will share yours with me.

This is not for the faint of heart, folks.

To be honest, I think I suck at it. For one thing, I’m kinda introverted. The idea of shouting about myself from the rooftops makes me shudder. I’m also not terribly organized, so it’s been hard to formulate a great marketing strategy that actually works. And there’s the kicker. What works and what doesn’t? What should I spend my time on that will really help promote my books? Who do I talk to? Who do I ask to help influence my writing? Who will get up on the rooftop with me, and tell the world they’re missing out if they haven’t read a Catherine West novel yet?

Well, seems I’ve exhausted my list of family and friends already…

I’m asking all these questions because I have no answers. I don’t know why some books just seem to take off and some don’t. Is it better marketing, better writing, a bigger network? There are so many avenues these days, an author must choose wisely where she hangs out.

I enjoy GoodReads and spend a bit of time trying to interact there. I like the fact that readers can post reviews, and I encourage this, as I do think the number of positive reviews of a book can influence a purchase.

Twitter is a phenomenon unto itself and I’m not sure I quite get it. I have over a thousand followers, but do they all really see my tweets? Do they care? Probably not. I’m not convinced you can sell anything through Twitter, but you can promote. Same goes for Facebook. I have a personal page and an Author Page (if you haven’t Liked it yet, please do!), but there again, I’m always asking myself how much is too much? Should I really be pushing my books over Facebook? Do people think I’m a pain in the rear if I do? Do they think I’m dumb if I don’t?

Social media, for me anyway, has always been fun. I love Facebook (hi, I’m Cathy and I’m a Facebookalohic…) I love the interactions with family and friends on both my pages, so I’m hesitant to take advantage of that. I’ve seen the barrage of updates and tweets from authors promoting their books daily, sometimes several times a day. Frankly it turns me off more than anything. It’s like those telemarketers that call the minute you sit down to dinner…nobody wants that kind of reputation. I sure don’t. I’d rather create a community where I can get to know my readers and they can get to know me, and let the marketing evolve naturally. But how do I create that community without letting people know about my books? It’s a conundrum I haven’t quite come to grips with.

So what’s the answer?

If you’re an author wading through marketing waters, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What works for you and what doesn’t? 

If you’re a reader, tell me what might work for you? What gets you to take another look at a book you hear about through social media? Why do you hit that ‘purchase’ button?

Why wouldn’t you? 

To discover Catherine’s novels, Hidden in the Heart and Yesterday’s Tomorrow, please visit her website. You can read the first chapter of both books HERE.